Maudline and the labile affect.

I’m not really over it. Busyness distracts. I hide it. The soul’s ellipsis. But, would anyone desire to see the labile affect? Not my boss, not a preacher, not my friend. Not you. Maudlin isn’t my preferred state. The pain is not ossified, rather peripheral and occluded, extant nevertheless. I suppose death and grieving takes a while.
And I am an effing crazy woman.

If I think of Dad or Davy- I just crack up. Not good to lose control in front of folks. Suppose sabbatical was a good choice. I still feel like I’m the colander of pain, filtering tears- so everyone assumes, that I am o.k.
I wonder if I can coerce myself to attend a group therapy session- suicide survivors?
I need to deal with grief, instead of ignore it and pretend it’s not there.
How do we deal with grief?
Shun the tears?
Find space?


2 thoughts on “Maudline and the labile affect.

  1. I have learned the classic five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining with God, depression, acceptance. I quickly learned thereafter that these stages are not progressive. When I was in the depths of depression it did not mean that I had passed through the anger or the bargaining or the sweet “I’m fine! How are you?” denial of what was churning in my soul. All five stages arrive whenever they feel like it and sometimes all within the time it takes for the light to change. I am learning that grief is not an orderly march from one stage to the next. It is more like a dance where I am handed from one random whirling partner to the next with no idea when the music is going to stop.

    What you learn and how you emerge, renewed and reborn, from your grief is your story, your journey. No one can tell you what is best for you or how best to work through it. Your dance partners will be your teachers until the music slowly fades replaced by richer, deeper melodies only hinting of your past struggle, but made more beautiful because of it.

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