Grief. Folks say “you get over a death.” People say “Soon it will pass.” I don’t think that’s true.
six months since David passed. We weren’t expecting my brother to die. There was no long struggle with cancer. He was extremely healthy. It was out of the clear blue sky.
I spoke to him the Tuesday before he passed. He talked about God and Love and he told me to fuck fear and be Christ to the Misfits.
As the coroner’s final report became known to my family some six weeks after David’s suicide, we begin to string together random events. It seemed he had been drinking since 9 pm. Taking synthetic heroin. Partying with his girl. He became so angry and jealous-that he chased her with a gun and fired in the air. When the police were called around midnight,he put the assault riffle in his mouth and pulled the trigger. It still did not make sense. He was the life of the party. He possessed a real lust for life.
I try not to focus on the last hours of his life, but instead -the richness of his whole life. His searches for God. His childlike wonder about the universe. His fascination with the stars.
His taste in music.
David, the raver, with his glow sticks, chemicals, and happy smile.
David, the fun guy.
David , the best damned pizza chef in Douglasville. We were actually rivals. I ran the Domino’s as GM, he ran the Papa Johns as GM.
The wildest parties in Douglasville.
I miss him, so so so much.
There is no easy getting over death. I do not believe you can instantly grieve.
I dreamt about Dave last night.
As I hugged him in the dream, he just vanished.
It hurts beyond any pain that I have experienced.
And I have been through trauma, rejection, and alienation. I have been gaslighted, lied too, made to have stockholm syndrome.
But I myself, have never wrestled with the gut wrenching pain of losing someone so close. I mourned the passing of distant friends, or grieved a loved one as they cut me off over a decision, or friends rejecting me for become a queer loving heretic.
But I did not know the pain of death would hurt so bad.
I try to focus on the good times.
I hope Dave’s playing beer pong with Jesus.
I love you, my brother, my David.