Why did you quit church of the Misfits? Why did you stop your ordination process? Why did you clear your calendar? Are you taking meds? Are you a lesbian? I look at all these questions in my inbox. And I wonder if I made the right decision. Maybe I was seeking to be a pastor for acceptance. Or celebrity. Or whatever. I skipped church today. I wrapped up in a quilt, dragged my hot chai outside, watched Basil terrorize squirrels and birds. I let tears roll down my face. I let the remaining autumn leaves from our not so manicured yard crunch under my toes. I looked at our home. It seemed to have great potential, but like the yard was falling apart. Not because we did not care about it- but because we practiced being busy for two years. My marriage was falling apart. I thought David’s death would slow me down. Or maybe previously the doctor’s report of barren. Even the cancer scare could have pushed me to slow down- but I was driven. Driven to be busy. Driven to be successful. Driven to be known. Driven to fulfill my calling by doing. I am no longer driven by me insisting on working and toiling and meetings every hour of the day. I have slowed down. I am not going to give in to the consumeristic production based narrative of our culture. I am going to wait. Listen.Expect. Heal. Rest. Reflect. And Be.