where are you?


I miss the times of ecstatic worship and feeling like you were really there. but I never miss the feeling that i wasn’t good enough, or that i had to hide my cigarettes and cussing from their stares. I miss when I was young and you spoke to me all the time. I miss the music of the charismatic mega church, although leaving their theology behind was just fine. I mostly miss a feeling- not sure what it is- maybe I am just bipolar, or maybe fucking schiz. Since I left the conservative church with their doctrine,their law, their smug religious satisfaction- I find myself in the awkward space of mainline pews, liturgy, vestments and quiet calls to action. It’s great that I can talk about shit without being called a heretic, but I can’t feel you anymore. Where the fuck are you? You are the one that I use to adore. Remember those times? Remember when you were my lover well beyond Jesus is my boyfriend? Remember when you were my father, different from the Lifeway books? Remember when I would walk out in the cow fields of Missouri and scream and cuss and cry and you’d speak back to me? Remember when I could hear you so strongly, that I would stand in the shadows of the worship and say what it is you were speaking? Remember when my hands burned with power for holy healing? Where the fuck are you? Are you here? do you hear at all? My heart cries for you. And then the smart one pushes his glasses up his nose and says there is no God. maybe there isn’t. but what about everything I experienced? What about you saving me from death? what about the angels in Cuba? What about your voice booming over the ocean? what about all those penetcostal leaders saying that crazy shit about me being called to ministry?  What happened to all of that? did i become apostate when I realized that Hell was different than what I was told? or that Jesus loved the poor? or that being Queer was ok? what is wrong with me, that you have shut your mouth? Maybe we are like an old couple, who sit in the same room, never speaking, but silently enjoying activities separate while in each others’ presence.

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