Her latest fascination revolved around a sort of existential atheism coupled with devout adoration to the way of Christ. This quandary and pondering carried her deepest fears and vulnerabilities out to the loudest scream possible, always falling on the deaf ears of those blind to the shadows of the homeless and too asleep to observe. Somewhere after abandoning certainty she’d gained an uneasy peace, a faith, not an absolute and something that like a child- its meaning, hid itself under the clothes racks, our own choice: we cover to explain nakedness and express individualism. It seemed she was somewhere in between. occasionally, she gathered her knees to her gut, staring blankly into her own hell, a dying patient who contracted one of those icky diseases that jaundiced the skin, and made the eyes gaunt. That was the one half of her depression and thought life. The other side of her thoughts did not focus on self or hell or anything quite as dark and draining. This manic, she was or was not or would not confess nor allow diagnosis, in fact was a superhero. One who felt the rumble of thunder in her heart and chest. Even as a child gathering energy and commanding the wind behind her. She imagined herself as a superhero, showing others how to become their highest self. She adored the Christ. She looked to Gandhi, MLK jr, the saints, the buddhas, wise men and women of the ages. She knew God but no longer possessed all the right words for “his” description. One by one, she watched as trusted friends who had set close in other moments of self-awareness fell away. Each one accusing instead of abiding. Similar to the friends of Job. “Well, Perhaps Your Education has made You crazy, ha ha” or “Oh, You are completely a heretic now.” “You have abandoned the word of God.” She struggled to wrap her head around the call as defined in pentecostal terms, as defined by her own experience, as defined by one who heard the audible voice of God. was she mad or brilliant. was she the cure or the disease. She had fought many self monsters. the lupine lycan of lust. the paranoid warthog of approval. it seemed the next monster would be.. a dragon of thought. she gathered her sword, and slayed the evil inside. after all her reality was hers to create and as they say mind over matter, or mind over, well, her own mind.