Mind over, well- her own mind.

Her latest fascination revolved around a sort of existential atheism coupled with devout adoration to the way of Christ. This quandary and pondering  carried her deepest fears and vulnerabilities out to the loudest scream possible, always falling on the deaf ears of those blind to the shadows of the homeless and too asleep to observe. Somewhere after abandoning certainty she’d gained an uneasy peace, a faith, not an absolute and something that like a child- its meaning, hid itself under the clothes racks, our own choice: we cover to explain nakedness and express individualism. It seemed she was somewhere in between. occasionally, she gathered her knees to her gut, staring blankly into her own hell, a dying patient who contracted one of those icky diseases that jaundiced the skin, and made the eyes gaunt. That was the one half of her depression and thought life. The other side of her thoughts did not focus on self or hell or anything quite as dark and draining. This manic, she was or was not or would not confess nor allow diagnosis, in fact was a superhero. One who felt the rumble of thunder in her heart and chest. Even as a child gathering energy and commanding the wind behind her. She imagined herself as a superhero, showing others how to become their highest self. She adored the Christ. She looked to Gandhi, MLK jr, the saints, the buddhas, wise men and women of the ages. She knew God but no longer possessed all the right words for “his” description. One by one, she watched as trusted friends who had set close in other moments of self-awareness fell away. Each one accusing instead of abiding. Similar to the friends of Job. “Well, Perhaps Your Education has made You crazy, ha ha” or “Oh, You are completely a heretic now.” “You have abandoned the word of God.” She struggled to wrap her head around the call as defined in pentecostal terms, as defined by her own experience, as defined by one who heard the audible voice of God. was she mad or brilliant. was she the cure or the disease. She had fought many self monsters. the lupine lycan of lust. the paranoid warthog of approval. it seemed the next monster would be.. a dragon of thought. she gathered her sword, and slayed the evil inside. after all her reality was hers to create and as they say mind over matter, or mind over, well, her own mind.


One thought on “Mind over, well- her own mind.

  1. Thank you for the wonderful pondering of words. I assume (which makes
    an ass out of me and maybe not you) that you wouldn’t mind a long
    winded comment. If so, please continue reading. If not, disregard.

    Anyway, If I am reading what you have blogged, we seem to have similar
    thoughts. Because, I trust a GOD (Kaballah) who is all bestowing,
    eternal unconditional love. This GOD through intention, voice and
    action carefully formed that which GOD desired for GOD’s own joy. GOD
    chose to limit GOD’s self and bring into existence the heavens and the
    earth, the formless void, the töhû wäböhû or the nothingness which
    gave form to everything we comprehend with our limited minds.
    In my Presbyterian background and Christ-like faith and centered on
    wisdom I have a problem. First, I fear giving way to the complete
    mystery of GOD which surrounds me in a beyond brilliant LIGHT.
    (because I don’t really see the LIGHT I just have faith in it.) And
    that LIGHT must be the LIGHT of Christ; by faith I have to trust that;
    and yet I swim in the deepness of my own Shadow, the chaos of my own
    formless void of humanity which you seem to have been able to cut
    away. I wish like you I could cut this evil from my midst; I am
    afraid to because I may discover, if I do nothing would be left but
    the formless void; GOD’s chaos which is part of who I AM. I have to
    live with who I AM as created in the image of GOD fully human which is
    easy to grasp. However I want to be fully DIVINE; knowing I can only
    be that because of the CHRIST. So hearing an audible voice from GOD
    for me would be a blessing and a delight. Since all of this
    pondering draws me to my own faith, I find it lacking because of the
    mystery, the lack of proof, the reality of all the hellish stuff that
    not only surrounds me (along with GOD’s steadfast love and light), but
    internally I still swim in the depths of my shadows like a cat
    screaming from the inside of a paper bag only to discover each time it
    brakes through there is another bag surrounding it’s existence.
    Thanks for listening; if you have read my ponderings this far. Chuck

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