I spend time seeking God and hearing his/her love. The past few days I have walked the streets of Atlanta and watched the children of God everywhere. Do you strike up conversations with strangers? I do. I think when I see someone coming “look it is Jesus, let me talk to him.” Christ  told the disciples that if they did anything to anyone it was like doing it to him.

 Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Enter, you who are blessed by my Father! Take what’s coming to you in this kingdom. It’s been ready for you since the world’s foundation. And here’s why:
   I was hungry and you fed me,    I was thirsty and you gave me a drink,    I was homeless and you gave me a room,    I was shivering and you gave me clothes,    I was sick and you stopped to visit,    I was in prison and you came to me.’

^37-40“Then those ‘sheep’ are going to say, ‘Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?’ Then the King will say, ‘I’m telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me.’

^41-43“Then he will turn to the ‘goats,’ the ones on his left, and say, ‘Get out, worthless goats! You’re good for nothing but the fires of hell. And why? Because—
   I was hungry and you gave me no meal,    I was thirsty and you gave me no drink,    I was homeless and you gave me no bed,    I was shivering and you gave me no clothes,    Sick and in prison, and you never visited.’

⁴⁴“Then those ‘goats’ are going to say, ‘Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry or thirsty or homeless or shivering or sick or in prison and didn’t help?’

⁴⁵“He will answer them, ‘I’m telling the solemn truth: Whenever you failed to do one of these things to someone who was being overlooked or ignored, that was me—you failed to do it to me.’

So what?

So what? So Nanchez, Jackson, Smith, Kornosky,  Johnson, Miller, Herbowitz, and any other last named person walking the streets of Atlanta are all just Jesus. Are they Organic? Fair Trade? maybe. is it captialism, comunism, ron paul- nah man, its just the Kingdom of God and we are watching it happen.

Bam. Gotcha. Quite a dark thought, isn’t it: That we could be conformed and oppressed by media, by the news, by Facebook, by twitter, by a politician. We are subjected every day to philosophies and world systems and perspectives that shape us. Are they shaping us into the servant Christ or are we being conformed by the spirit of the age?

“Well, sister Cranford, CHRISTIANS could never have issues of being conformed to the World.”

Really, what about Germany 1933-1945. We will avert our eyes and stay holy. WE WILL AGREE WITH THE GOVERNMENT. We will play quiet little church and we will stuff our ears to the cries of the oppressed.

The church at Rome faced similar problems. The government wanted citizens to pledge allegiance, even so much as calling Caesar a God, and believing in the nation state as their savior- demanding military service which may or may not have included a little man-boy love for the sake of initiation. The Romans walked down dirty roads full of alluring prostitutes and the opportunity to buy the finest new clothes or coolest imported technology. They could quickly dip into the temple and sacrifice something, ate a little barbeque and have a quickie with the temple hooker if they so desired. They could hang out all night eat everything at New Roma Buffet, get trashed on some good ole Vino and head to the vomitorium before repeating the process. The society of Rome was a party waiting to happen. You could get a little child on the streets- you could have your way and toss them later. And it was all good in the hood, do what you want! It was a society in pursuit of the orgasm, in pursuit of a full belly, in pursuit of all the right people. All the right friends in all the right places oh yeah we’re going down!

It was the society of SELF! The Church at Rome allowed some of this foul stuff to creep into their ranks.  These great Apostles presented themselves, always comparing each other. So called “super holy anointed people” that everyone wanted to chillax with. They were the rock stars of the church. They lauded it about. They carried their gifts like badges of approval from God. They tried to one up each other and call each other sinners. They’d get angry that one apostle had a brew at the pub, while the other apostle prided himself on how pure he’d been with his various abstainence from meat and ritual baths.

“How many demons did you cast out today? 7”

“Well, I healed four blind peeps.”

“well, I have not tasted vino nor eaten meat.”

“eww…”

It was a proverbial pissing contest. Who could outrank one another in God’s House? Who could be the shiz-nit for the whole assembly to see?  Bitterness. Jealousy- the promotion of self. Maybe a little lying was involved, some gossip…

“Oh, brother so and so was down at the vomitorium last night. I saw him eating sacrificed barbeque at the Rib Shacum. He was also with that girl who wears vermillion and saffron and paints her eyes and they were shopping at the secretum victorium, you know the store with the pink bags.”

Oh the church mess. It was only a problem in Rome, huh?

That was what Paul had to deal with.

Paul wrote his letter from Corinth. He had been hearing about all the great things happening in Rome in the church homes, and in the assemblies, but he wasn’t present. So he wrote a little letter, and handed it over to Phoebe to take to Rome.

How could he speak to these people as an authority? They hardly knew him, and they had their own super hero apostles to contend with. He chose a position of humility when he addressed them.

¹Therefore ^(A)I urge you, brethren,

Here Paul addresses Christians- both Jewish and Gentile believers. He had just summed up all the theological doctrinal issues and he was ready to start preaching on their daily practices. But he humbles himself. He urges, he pleads, he…begs… and he calls them affectionately brothers and sisters…

by the mercies of God, to ^(B)present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship.

The Roman Culture was completely aware of sacrificial systems. If you were a Jew you had previously understood the Temple system- if you were a pagan you understood the temple system of Gentiles. It wasn’t a strange thing to kill animals to please gods (with a little G) to the gentiles. Now, the Roman believers didn’t need to sacrifice to get God’s mercy. They had it before. They were justified by faith.  Yet, Paul was calling them to holy living and a logical service to God. It wasn’t about outward holiness codes. It was about really considering the cost, being a sacrifice. Living a humbled life. It was like- a master’s commission Human Video- Hand, Hand, head. ( Go ahead and act this last sentence out, with one hand being stretched, the other opposite and the head left to fall on the chest…if you were ever in an Assemblies of God Youth Group you’ll recognize it.)

but for realz,

Living each day, taking up your cross, being humble.

 ²And do not ^(C)be conformed to ^(D)this world, but be transformed by the ^(E)renewing of your mind, so that you may ^(F)prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

Paul was not suggesting here that the world or creation was bad, NO God seeks to redeem creation- GO GREEN- he said it was Good in Genesis! The word here is better translated the spirit of this age. The pursuit of happiness. Conservative traditionalists think the whole world is evil and we should make little bubbles of utopian societies. Morally living right, pew sitting- not being salt and light to  a broken world. And the libertine Christians forget that we are strangers and aliens here to teach a different way and to display the Kingdom of God.

The world Paul speaks of is our selfish desires..

Is it wrong to get what you want? Is your basis selfishness? Why did the Romans chase positions of importance in the church? Why did they want the finest clothes, and the coolest gadgets? Is it wrong to have nice things? No. But your life isn’t about all the crap you can collect before you die. I mean, Geez watch hoarders. Dead cats, and beer bottles ring a bell?

That stuff conforms our minds, wraps them up in barb wire cages. We can’t see the eternal because we question if our boobs are big enough, if our wallet is fat enough, if our Iphone has the right apps, if I drink the trendiest vegan water crap, and if we party like a G-6.

How can we not buy into the spirit of this age? The systems of the world? Perhaps we should consult the bible more than we do face book, or Fox News, or NPR, or Vogue, Or comedy central or the apple store. Don’t be legalistic. Media is fun, but it wars for your mind.

 ³For through ^(G)the grace given to me I say to everyone among you ^(H)not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment, as God has allotted to ^(I)each a measure of faith.

We must take a daily inventory. Not self-condemnation, but a daily dose of Holy Spirit guided introspection. What are my motives? Why do I want to tell Brother Bob he’s going to hell? Why do I want to argue about politics? Why am I trying to get Doctor Wood to eat at Gem of India with me? Is it about me. ME ME ME. Kill yourself. Kill myself. Live for others. I need to see others before I see me. I need to think about the meth-head on Kansas Expressway eating god knows what out of the dumpster. I need to think about sally Sunday school before I rip her a new one because she doesn’t understand eschatology the way my brightly educated pompous self does. I need to think about Uncle Ned and his hunting regiment that happens every deer season before I explode on Facebook about gun rights. Am I promoting me or am I looking after the good of the body. AM I BEING PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE? I am not saying we should never confront or be a prophet, but dang dude, what are we trying to do? Heal or hurt? If you are trying to heal then speak in love, but if you just want to one up another brother in Christ than YOU ARE WRONG.

⁴For ^(J)just as we have many members in one body and all the members do not have the same function,

 ⁵so we, ^(K)who are many, are ^(L)one body in Christ, and individually members one of another.

There are so many different kinds of peeps in the Body of Christ. There are neo-hippy emergent types, and conservative suit wearing tea party types, and there are bells and smells chicks, and there are jumping Massai warrior holy rollers. There are those of us who listen the Gaither Trio band on Tbn every Sunday night, and there are those of us who like U2. We are all unified under Christ.  Why do we need to argue about styles of music or the color of carpet or liturgy or what car you drive or what shoes you sport or how long your hair is or who drinks beer or who follows the maker’s diet, who keeps kosher, who uses banners in praise and worship, who is an old creationist, and whose a fundi? What does it matter?

And we all have different gifts, not better gifts, not quantitative gifts, no qualitative gifts. Different.

⁶Since we have gifts that ^(M)differ according to the grace given to us, each of us is to exercise them accordingly:

 if ^(N)prophecy, according to the proportion of his faith;

If your gonna prophesy than be expected to have the council of elders question you later. Prophecy, not like the weirdos on TBN telling everyone that they will have a car if people will only give 1500 a month. yikes! Prophecy should be encouraging. It should lift the body up. So if you have faith, then do it!

 ⁷if ^(O)service, in his serving; or he who ^(P)teaches, in his teaching;

 ⁸or he who ^(Q)exhorts, in his exhortation;

Paul is saying do these things if you are called to do them. Service means a myriad of things here: it could be the media crew at a church working with technology, it could mean the Young Man who works on the grass in his John Deere hoodie, maybe it’s the lady who squeezes grape juice into the plastic shot glasses, it could mean the church accountant who works diligently to keep the books balanced. SERVE!!! TEACH!!! EXHORT!!! Do it because God has gifted you, and you are to serve in humility the body of Christ.

he who gives, with ^[a](R)liberality; ^(S)he who leads, with diligence; he who shows mercy, with ^(T)cheerfulness.

If you are going sign some big old checks, than do it heartily and happy. Be your church’s Santa Claus, give and enjoy it.

If you are called to lead than work hard! Don’t slack, keep on keeping on!

If you are called to outreach and compassion ministries than smile and don’t gripe about having to do it or the way people smell, or the crack whore with three teeth who always wants you to give here money.

Here’s what Eugene Peterson Paraphrase’s:

^-8If you preach, just preach God’s Message, nothing else; if you help, just help, don’t take over; if you teach, stick to your teaching; if you give encouraging guidance, be careful that you don’t get bossy; if you’re put in charge, don’t manipulate; if you’re called to give aid to people in distress, keep your eyes open and be quick to respond; if you work with the disadvantaged, don’t let yourself get irritated with them or depressed by them. Keep a smile on your face.

Man. We can’t be conformed any longer to the SELF. We gotta kill ourselves, we gotta live for one another. I need to humbly recognize my peeps in the body and love them. I need to be humble enough to allow for them to bless the church. It’s not about how holy you seem or how big of a role you play on Sunday mornings,

It’s about your dedication to God, and your dedication to the peeps around you,

As a humble

servant leader.

Kill Yourself, Kill your selfish pride, Live in humility, live for others!

Creator and sustainer of the universe,

Have mercy on us! Help us to recognize that we aren’t all that. Help us to sacrifice ourselves daily. Help us not to stomp on other brands of Christianity- or other religions even! Forgive us for our foolish-pride. Forgive us for our know-it-all gotta beat other people up attitude. Help us to get over our need for the spot-light. Forgive us for “networking” for our own selves, may we seek to build others us. Help us to love one another. Help us not to be conformed to the spirit of this age, the spirit of me, the spirit of my wants, the spirit of self-propagation.  Help us to see the eternal!

Help us to see others. Help us to have the eyes of Jesus. Help us to support everyone around us! Empower us to utilize our gifts for your Glory.

And God, humble us.

We pray this in the name of the resurrected Christ.

Amen.

UNCONDITIONAL POSITIVE REGARD AND SCRIPTURAL MANDATES

REBECCA D. CRANFORD

            Imagine interactions with others in which no judgment happened, but only pure care for the person’s wellbeing happened. Although it sounds mythical in a world focused on self-advancement, a type of loving understanding persists in many counseling sessions and should be happening with the Church at large as well. This blog will begin to explore some of the meaning around unconditional positive regard and scriptural mandate. It will incorporate some ideas on the grace of God based from Brennan Manning’s The Ragamuffin Gospel.

UNCONDITIONAL POSITIVE REGARD

Unconditional positive regard refers to a way of being in the doctor client relationship. Carl Rogers first used the term to connote a warm[1], nonjudgmental acceptance of a person “no matter the condition of his behavior or feelings.”[2] The therapist values the client as a separate individual[3], devoid of an “evaluating attitude,”[4] or personal agenda of gain and accepts he/she no regardless if the “attitude”[5] of the client seems positive or negative. The counselor views the client with respect, granting the client “permission to experience their own life”[6] separate from societal norms or the counselor’s own experience.

Carl Rogers theorizes that in this genuine loving atmosphere personal change will happen.[7] Rogers believes that at the time each person becomes self-aware the need for acceptance appears.[8] When a person discloses personal information, feelings, or sacred experiences and it is not received with acceptance or understood the individual suffers a violation which can result in psychosis.[9]  When one practices unconditional positive regard, personal change may occur[10], and a client feels free to move ahead in the process of becoming.[11]Rogers believed in the practice and recommended it to those outside of psychology.[12] The practice benefits pastors, educators, and social workers as well.

SCRIPTURAL MANDATES

               The notion of unconditional positive regard sounds very Christ-like indeed. A type of Namaste proclamation goes from one soul to the other, saying I recognize the God, divine, full-potential, or ultimate good in you while practicing unconditional positive regard. Scripture appears to back up this statement fully, as Jesus Christ said “the Law is summed up in this: Love your God, and Love your neighbor.”[13] Christ also mentioned that humans should not judge one another, but rather judge their own actions, motives, and thoughts.[14] If Jesus is the central figure in Christianity, than why have his words not be considered deeply when practicing interpersonal relationships in the American Church?

Many have wrongly used scripture to butcher other. Well-intending Christians assume that calling out sin or character defects in a brother can be iron sharpening iron. Usually those irons bludgeon eyes out, leaving the supposed sinner in a more wounded and vulnerable state previous to the encounter with the so-called Christian.  Many use scriptures like 1 Corinthians 5 to limit who can be in community. Unfortunately, Christians fail to realize that Paul wrote to a particular church about a specific situation. The same applies for similar verses of rebuke found in the epistles of Paul, John, Jude, Peter and perhaps Priscilla’s letter to the Hebrews.[15] Not every scripture should be applied in the modern context, but rather it should be researched in order to understand its meaning in its historical setting. Brennan Manning notices the incongruence in the message of Grace of Christ’s words and the Church’s refusal to practice it.

“Something is radically wrong when the local church rejects a person accepted by Jesus: When a harsh, judgmental, and unforgiving, sentence is passed on homosexuals, when a divorcee is denied communion, when the child of a prostitute is refused baptism, when an unlarciel priest is forbidden the sacraments.”[16]

Scripture reiterates over fifteen times in the New Testament that judgment is reserved for God alone. Too long the church has looked down the slope of her nose on those she deemed not well enough to enter her ranks. She became a whore, leaving her first loved, and flirted with world systems that set themselves against the love of God that throws down every system of human separation.[17] The best chance the church possesses for being instrumental in evangelizing the world is Love. Brennan Manning said the best possible evangelism to a person “is to say to him or her, you too are loved by God in the Lord Jesus.”[18] Rogers believed that unconditional positive response would facilitate personal change and growth. It is very much like Romans 2[19] in which Paul quotes the prophets about God loving-kindness bringing change. More Christians should read Romans 2 instead of being so fast to quote Romans 1 when encountering the sexuality of another. The church must listen to the god truth found in other streams of study besides theology if she desires to move ahead in her mission to love.

CONCLUSION

Who better to emulate than Christ?  Counselors, lay ministers, educators, pastors, social workers, and every person in the community should consider the way of being in interpersonal relationships as presented by Carl Rogers. Unconditional positive regard does not negate scriptural mandates, but rather it fulfills them.

               …having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. ³ Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴ not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.[20]

               Perhaps Christ followers will love others the same way Christ, and Carl Rogers suggested to do.

BIBLIOGRAPHY

Manning, Brennan The Ragamuffin Gospel: Embracing the Unconditional Love of God. Multnomah, Publishers, Inc. Sisters, Oregon, 1990.

Rogers, Carl. On Becoming a Person: A Therapists View of Psychotherapy Boston: Houghton

Mifflin, 1989.

Rogers, Carl Ransom. “The Necessary and Sufficient Conditions of Therapeutic Personality

Change.” Journal of Consulting Psychology 21 (1957): 95-103.
Rogers, Carl Ransom. “A Theory of Therapy, Personality, and Interpersonal Relationships as

Developed in the Client Centered Framework.” In The Carl Rogers Reader, edited by

Vittendersen and H. Kirschenbaum. Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1989.

Rogers, Carl Ransom. A Way of Being. Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1980.

“SELF ACTUALIZING” REFLECTION

BY

REBECCA D. CRANFORD

INTRODUCTION

            What does it mean to become the truest self?  What does it mean to deny self? Is it possible to do both simultaneously? This brief will  explore the psychological concept of self-actualization and its relationship to the practice of self-denial as seen in the Christian metanarrative. The blog will theorize that Jesus Christ existed as a self-actualized human and practiced self-denial.

SELF-ACTUALIZATION IN PSYCHOLOGY

The phrase self-actualizing finds in origins in psychology and became popular in the early nineteen forties by Abraham Maslow. It can mean a myriad of things, but simply put, it is the realization of full potential in an individual or the act of “achievement of one’s full potential through creativity, independence, spontaneity, and a grasp of the real world.”[1]  Maslow talked about the self-actualizer when he introduced his hierarchy of needs. He theorized that each person needs basic things to survive. Once one feels security in the basic needs, i.e., shelter, sex, food, an individual will find freedom to complete needs based on being. He stated these persons were “distinguished far more easily than most[2]” and found “the fresh, concrete, and idiosyncratic”[3] in life rather than dwell on the generic and basic needs of self. Maslow concluded that evil people are exceedingly rare, but people act evil when basic needs are not met. Maslow performed the majority of his research on animals, including primates.

Albert Ellis, a famous humanistic doctor, explores the “self-actualizer,” and suggests along with Jacquelyn Small(the author of Becoming Naturally Therapeutic), that these persons may seek mystical, contemplative, altered states of awareness, or “peak experiences.”[4] Ellis says in order to become better one must face difficulties[5] implying that spiritual trials and tribulations may be the key to becoming fully alive. Small suggests that self-actualized individuals care more about the whole then themselves[6] and naturally move towards service projects and helping careers. Carl Rogers equates the self-actualized person as one who “lives in each moment as if it is new” or one who is fully present in each moment.[7] Jacquelyn Small adds that each individual will experience each moment “more vividly, with full concentration and without self-consciousness.”[8] Much like the notion of emptying self in Buddhism, she suggests that in those moments a clear connection exists, one of complete unity with the other.[9]  These psychologists noted talk in a language different than religious persons but attribute characteristics to self-actualizers that religion would consider as saints, prophets, sages, god-men, or heroes of the faith.

SELF-DENIAL AND SELF-ACTUALIZATION

Self-denial doesn’t necessarily relate to the self flaggulation of the middle ages monastics, nor does it resonate with ascetic attempts to rid one’s self of evil. Fasting for a time, going without sex, and perhaps giving up social media for lent can have lasting spiritual effects. However according to scripture, God is not pleased with a multitude of sacrifices, but rather is pleased in ones relationship to him and to others.[10] Unfortunately the Church in America convoluted the message of Grace and the work of the cross into a warped view of total depravity and a strange brew of Max Webber Capitalism and Ayn Rand’s philosophy. Humanity exists not as worms, completely filthy and disgusting to the Divine and conversely, it is not capable of pulling itself up by its boot-straps without the awareness of the Divine. Somewhere in the mixing, perhaps even lingering in the heresies of Pelagius or in the philosophies of modern mystics lay more questions that ask us if it is possible to be fully human and fully divine, or rather self-actualized and practicing self-denial.

Looking into such passages as Philippians chapter two,[11] one can theorize that self-actualization may simultaneously occur with the practice of self-denial. Kenosis comes from the Greek word, Kenton, which means to empty out. In theology it refers to “the doctrine that Christ relinquished His divine attributes so as to experience human suffering.”[12] This idea of Kenosis, prevalent in Pauline scripture, can be found in philosophies and worldviews separate from Christianity. Kenosis within Buddhism means the denial of selfishness in order to become one with others and creation. Christ himself demonstrates his self-actualization knowing he was the son of God and being affirmed in his humanity and divinity in the proclamation of the Holy Spirit after his baptism by John as recorded in the gospels.

This notion of coexistence between self-actualizing and self-denial exemplified in the works of   James Fowler, where he contends that both characteristics manifest in what he labels as the Universalizing Faith[13]or the sixth stage of faith. The universalizer forsakes nationalism, ethnocentrism, and even traditional dogma for the love of humanity. Fowler contends that the universalizer, no longer seeks selfish needs of power or importance, but instead sees the need to act selflessly in order to help others self-actualize.[14] Much like Jacquelyn Small’s account of self-actualizers, Fowler designates Universalizers as “contagious” souls who create spaces of freedom from the “social, political, economic, and ideological shackles” that institutions throw on humanity.[15] He further suggests that most persons who reach stage six are self-actualizers according to definitions made by Carl Rogers or Abraham Maslow.[16] He reasons that stage six persons cannot be perfect, noting Erik Erickson’s critique of Gandhi.

CONCLUSION

               Through a hermeneutic of love, one can grapple with scriptures and see that being a self-actualized human is the hope of Christ in us, and also that being self-actualized leads to true self-denial. God changes us from glory to glory. As the Apostle Paul said, we do not know what we will be, but we will all be changed. May the kingdom of God be actualized on earth today in each of us.

BIBLIOGRAPHY

Ellis, Albert. Art and Science of Rational Eating. Ft. Lee, NJ: Barricade Books, 1992.

Fowler, James. Stages of Faith Development: The Psychology of Human Development and the

          Quest for Meaning. New York: Harper Collins, 1981

Maslow, Abraham. On Dominance, Self-Esteem, and Self-Actualizing: Germain Lectures.  Ann

Capland, 1974, 2006.

Rogers, Carl. On Becoming a Person: A Therapists View of Psychotherapy Boston: Houghton

Mifflin, 1989.

Small, Jacquelyn. Becoming Naturally Therapeutic:  A Return to the True Essence of Helping. New York, Bantam Books, 1990.

[5]      Albert Ellis, Art and Science of Rational Eating  (Ft. Lee, NJ: Barricade Books, 1992), 186.

My collections started to change sometime after I started Bible classes. I stopped being so occupied with material things and more occupied with what mattered NOW. Don’t get me wrong, I was still a pig eating at the slop trough of consumerism and still give into that evil gluttonous sin occasionally. But, I had a shift of thought.

So I started collecting people. No, Not some weird gross psycho-killer movie kinda stuff. I didn’t have fingers or toes or ears in jars, or around my neck.OR in my freezer. cannibalism never appealed to me. I did however, enjoy collecting interesting people for friends. I felt like this collection of mine was more of a quest. A quest to find the people who would believe in me and I could believe in them.

In December of 2010, I hugged more of my growing collection than ever before. I met many outlawpreachers. It was truly my first large ecumenical and emergent conference ever. I had been searching out voices that sounded like Jesus. Some who were prophets. Some who shared my pain and common rejection from traditional church. Some who loved God but really hated christianity. They were tired of church. Tired of a hierarchy in leadership, where one person (usually a middleaged white man)was the sole interpreter of the Bible, or society, or art, or anything. They longed for an inclusive community. They wanted to share their questions, doubts, and revelations without being marginalized or called HERETIC, ANATHEMA, TICKLING OF EARS, PERVERTS, or FALSE PROPHETS. They wanted  to see social justice happen. They wanted to take care of the poor. So i found another group to collect. They were my #outlawpreachers.

I collected people from every background through the outlawpreachers. Some Lakota medicine men following the way of Christ. Some kids of a televangelist. Some Lesbians letting go of the fundamentalist churches that had hurt them, Some Mainline pastors working to do new outside of the box ministry, Some Goths and Freaks and Hippies who wanted to be Jesus to foreigners, prisoners, farm people, poor people, HIV positive people, oh and even BAR people. Some who shared my love for the Holy Spirit cloaked in celtic worship of God and intrigued by the Christian Mystics, Some tatted up guys doing ministry for every person, some guys who drank white lightning and talked about grace, some guy from Chicago with a heart bigger than a bear, and a guy who gave a damn about the hurting in Alabama. OH and I found a new father, who I called Papa.  He helped me know something- His touch was healing. And through him, I felt as if I was truly born again. That makes no sense, I am sure. But I saw my childhood state in grace, I was something beautiful. no longer the guilty fat boyish child who was dirty and stricken with sexual abuse, BUT a  golden-locked girl with blue eyes, swinging and laughing in the sun knowing God loved me.

So yeah, i will keep on collecting and seeking out these great people. Maybe you should do a little searching of your own! Check out the OutlawPreachers. Or as some would say- the smoking section of the emergent movement.

I was eager to serve, yet my “pentecostal call” haunted me with delusions of big stage ministry and flashy outfits and theatrical effects. I assumed that my years of scrubbing toilets, moving chairs, and setting up tables would benefit me, and I would now be teaching. Until the question came out “Do you believe everything the DENOMINATION teaches in its 16 fundamental truths?”

Man, how to answer that. I mean, I sat under the finest professors. I worked at great churches. I was always treated like an “outreach pastor” or “street minister” or “recovery pastor” at my college because of the tattoos, or the fact I was blunt, maybe because I cussed a little. But I had studied scripture and there were things I no longer knew or felt convicted about. Honestly, I was sure many great men of faith did not speak in tongues and i was even more sure that there was no “rapture.”

So to answer with Integrity. right? So i did. Assumed there would be no big hassle. Pastor polished boots click-clacked down the hallway and grabbed me, shaking in his buckle jeans, and 95 dollar shirt. His blue eyes almost cried as he said, “How can you just throw scripture out like this!” I tried to make sense of the interaction, and told him what I had learned. He would have none of it. He said I was “divisive.” I shared my pain with no one, save my three favorite professors. I wrote an apology letter to the mega church, and asked that the application be removed. I applied and said “NO” when it came to disagreements. I was told by friends and colleagues not to die on mole hills when it came to theological issues. I had a lot of pride in me, but I died to self and let pastor polished shoes and pastor distinguished man know I was not going to tell everyone at Church the rapture wasn’t coming. The next 8 months were horrible. Depression, Depression. I thought I was doing little for God by teaching my Spanish bible study. Afterall, My plan had been rejected to start a Spanish Church at my home church. Some sentiment came down that we “should teach them english” while sister bitterbottom told me I would never be a leader because of my sin-issues. Yes, I had sin issues. And I was honest about them. Perhaps too much so. I asked every christian I knew to pray with me over my addiction to sex. I had walked through some dark days, and came out rather victorious, but they always remembered my sin- and held it against me. Sister bitterbottom always made it a point to put me down. Perhaps she was just jealous that my sin was so passionate and causing me to fight, while she was completely unaware of her sin. I prayed really hard that God would let me forgive her and love her. Sister Bitterbottom just needs love like the rest of us.

The depression continued.  My outlets were unavailable to me. I stayed in the prophets. I read ever Rob Bell book I could. Greg Boyd. anything that had a scholarly slash hip feel to it. The depression clouded me.  I doubted almost everything my tradition handed to me. I went away to seminary. I was excited to escape. The divine discontent. The people there were great, but they didn’t want to think, and thinking only got you in trouble.

I began to really deconstruct my faith and tradition in seminary. You learned who were the safe professors and who were the fundamentalists who spoke in tongues. I really unpacked a lot in my three years in Springfield. I wrote more and more about my views, my obsession with the prophets, my mistrust of the American Church. A man found me named Anthony Wallace, who told me about twitter and outlawpreachers. I had heard about the emergent movement, and was really refreshed by what so many were saying there. I found myself to the left of many political issues or either a-political, almost anarchist. I hated all the nationalism that sprouted up in my denomination- these services in which the worship was for America, not Christ. I hated all the anti-gay rhetoric, and how every earthquake was a judgement from God. I hated the vast stupidity in the pulpit, that got away every sunday preaching the same old crap- but yet I loved everyone of those preachers. I hated topical preaching. I hated legalism.I really disliked how people in my denomination thought so many others were hell-bound. They feared catholics and called them idolators. I would tell them how many awesome catholics I knew. But I was of little effect, after all I was the sinning girl who made any church look credible

“If you can love a girl in green combat boots, Jesus must be there!”

and Jesus was there. God is always there. God is even working in churches with great theology or no theology, where heretics teach or where reformed theologians speak! I did love the church, I was so mad with her, though! I loved feeding the hungry, I loved hanging out with the foreigner, I really was encouraged by those in shut-ins, disabled, elderly, homeless, queer, hookers, punks, those who were outside the box and spoke of God with such “intimate knowledge.”  I questioned scripture. I visited a Buddhist temple and found the spirit of God resting there. No one could help me unpack that. I went into a Mosque and watched a woman fully in love with God worshipping. I made friends with a rabbi who has a mystical step and a knowing eye who talked about the Kingdom of God. I was told by my professors, that there was only one way to God, and these men and women must be possessed with demons. I felt completely unsafe. I was becoming a heretic.

So, I would connect with some outlaw preachers,  Anthony Wallace, John Harrison, Phil and Stephanie Sheperd. Tell them my woes. share my anger. Pray with them, ask that they would help me break my pride. break my rebellion, heal my hurt… and then I heard about an #outlawpreacher reunion…

I am so depressed. Where are You, God? I mean, I listened to You. And everything sucks.

 I listened to the “call of God” and returned back to my home town. A town that has tried to kill me since I was born. I used to drive around its curves and hear the trees cry out for my blood.  I hated this place, but somehow loved it. Wanted it to be saved from religion- saved from the “isms” that separate people. But I didn’t want to come back.  But he told me to Go. I left my money-making job, packed up my books, wrote a church-plant strategic plan, delayed a marriage, and came to Atlanta!!!

 When I had announced to some that I was surely called to go and love on people abandoned by the church they reacted like cows. Bovine emotion. cud chew, cud chew. Many of my friends were ”succeeding” in the world of mega-church grandeur. And I wanted to hang out with hemp smokers, hookers, hipsters, homos, and homeless people.  I looked into their eyes and pleaded my case…the case to love outcasts, especially the “queers.”  Oh, Bec they seemed to say as they chewed their cud, “You just want to be  a rebel”.  No, I want to be like Jesus. I am done with churchianity. I respect it, and I love hymns, and little miss betty, BUT THERE IS A WHOLE BROKEN WORLD SCREAMING FOR LOVE and we argue over theology on facebook, chatter about what the soloist was wearing, and stuff our faces with chick-fil-a while listening to Phillips, Craig, and Dean thinking that we have arrived while we look down our noses at the whitegirl neighbor and her live in black boyfriend who have two children out of wedlock. We don’t see our sin in Christianity, we are too busy judging our neighbor. And we don’t give a CUSS about the world’s problems- after all we tithe regularly and give a small portion to missionary Bob from India and his pretty wife who has big hair and pink dresses.

REALLY GOD< REALLY WHY?

 My dearest dark-eyed prophet friend looked at me when I said I was moving back. She believed me. She said,”Bec, you hear from God. You cuss some. and You are real, but you hear from God.”

And now I am here. Almost six months later. No denominational backing. I am waiting tables. I am nearly 35. I have 490 plus books on theology, missiology, and ministry and what am I doing? I meet with homeless people, lesbian couples, atheists, and social misfits at bars and on the streets of Atlanta. I counsel those kicked out of their church for “falling into sin.” I spend my days, trying to love on the people who have been hurt by church. Oh and then there is my selfishness: My delusions of grandeur that come with a pentecostal call experience. I am not the charismatic evangelist with lights in her face that swings her hand and thousands of people go down under the sway of the Spirit. And that is what I thought ministry was.

And my teeth. They ache. dangle in my skull. The fluorescents pulsate again. I scream at God muffled through my listerine and mouth full of toothpaste. WHAT THE CUSS, GOD! this sucks. this sucks bad. people talk bad about me. Old friends say I am offensive in to traditional christians. I feel I have been abandoned by my old home church, I feel abandoned by the church in general, I feel abandoned by YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!

 SURE, its my fault for POSTING MY FEELINGS ONLINE ABOUT THE CHURCH’S NEGLECT TO LOVE. or purposing that ministry could be done differently than what it has been done like. Or if hell if a literal burning fire, or if adam and eve were real, or if we should really give a dang about people.  Yeah, I am a heretic because half the darn time, I wonder where you are.  I cry out in pain, because I am the rejected. I get mad as hell, because I don’t have all the theological answers. I have no effin clue what most of your “holy scripture means”.  I don’t even know how holy it is! it seems as holy as a poem, as a song, as a painting. It seems as holy as a tree, a creek, a star in the sky and the horizon at dusk. I trust you, but I am mad.

Usually after screaming at our creator, I cry. or listen in silence. But tonight I opened up the bible. yeah, that thing many evangelicals wield as a sword to kill other people instead of lift them up. But i admit it, I love the Bible. I love scripture. I think its phenomenal. I don;t like everyone’s interpretation and yeah, I think I need you and me and that guy down the street to better interpret it. But anyway, I opened it and found a story about a man named Jeremiah who yelled at God. And does God come to his rescue? Let’s look:

You are right, O God, and you set things right. I can’t argue with that. But I do have some questions:
Why do bad people have it so good?
   Why do con artists make it big?
You planted them and they put down roots.
   They flourished and produced fruit.
They talk as if they’re old friends with you,
   but they couldn’t care less about you.
Meanwhile, you know me inside and out.
   You don’t let me get by with a thing!
Make them pay for the way they live,
   pay with their lives, like sheep marked for slaughter.
How long do we have to put up with this—
   the country depressed, the farms in ruin—
And all because of wickedness, these wicked lives?
   Even animals and birds are dying off
Because they’ll have nothing to do with God
   and think God has nothing to do with them.

 ^5-6“So, Jeremiah, if you’re worn out in this footrace with men,
   what makes you think you can race against horses?
And if you can’t keep your wits during times of calm,
   what’s going to happen when troubles break loose like the Jordan in flood?
Those closest to you, your own brothers and cousins,
   are working against you.
They’re out to get you. They’ll stop at nothing.
   Don’t trust them, especially when they’re smiling.

WHAT GOD, REALLY? You mean things sucked even more and you told Jeremiah to get over it. blah. It sucks God. I know it will get worse. But I also know that You are faithful. A bit of a Madman, and kinda a cosmic jokester- but you haven’t let me down. I know you called me to meet here in Atlanta. with people who are jacked up. people like me. with people who are intellectuals who don’t buy into what old preacher bob has to say. I know you have called me to this. So I will go to my bar, and meet. and talk. and find common hope, knowing that you are in every step of my walk- even the times I think I have stepped into a steaming pile of CUSS. oh and the horses, Maybe  you can give me a break before unleashing them. after all, I do believe in You. I love you. and I am following your call- to the best of my broke-table-waiting-teeth-rotting ability. so heal me. change me. make me less angry. can you help me forget I am the laughing stock of the town? can you make me remember I am your chosen child? can you love me more than the approval i have worshipped like an idol? can you show me Jesus in the face of another homeless man?

Here I am. Your very own outlawpreacher, and I need you more than ever. even though I am mad.

give me a breather. and hold those dang horses for a minute.

never needed a steeple to abide with you. My altar rises through concrete in streets near and far, my eucharist transforms my heart under dim lights at the pub and bar. I can not name you-I dare not try, but you have been my constant, my incandescene in fogged night. I search you out in clouds, through the arbors, across sun-sprayed fields. looking for you in graffitti, reel, print, paint, there your smile ‘s revealed. I see you in the eyes of the drifter, the laugh of the toddler, and in the shreal of the the wheel-chaired angel. I crouch under an overpass to sing for Mark, or light up delore’s smoke, or eat with juanita. I felt you walk near me tonight in your city, Atlanta.